This is a trip we took to Jerome, AZ. He gladly got on the horsey so I could take the picture.
I am back after a long-ass hiatus. This hiatus was far from a vacation – frankly it was a bit of a shit storm. Lucky for me, I have pirating-viking-navationational skills. Kids. Please don’t try this at home.
My brain has been unable to form sentences since my mind left town for a ping-pong tournament. Forgive me, it’s my default button to make light of something very serious. Something I wish was a joke. My boyfriend died 3 weeks ago today. Zach and I had been a couple for over 8 months, a short amount of time in normal-couple world – record long for me. If you know me or read this blog, I’m not slutty, I’m just lucky and prefer the company of myself over any man. For one, they whine. A lot. For two, they’re needy, sneak behind your back and fart. For me, having someone stick around for more than 2 days is like winning the Super Bowl with one leg. Virtually impossible. Yet Zach and I lived together for 3 months.
This is more an explanation of my cyber absence – not a dumpster dive for sympathy. I’m not looking for pity. I’m looking to celebrate. I was blessed with an opportunity of knowing, loving (and farting) with someone special for over 8 months. I’m not particular happy either. I find the absence of his presence the most overwhelming to handle – but I’m handling it – soberly too (perhaps the greatest miracle of all). I didn’t know what I would write when I sat down to write. I just knew I’ve been offline for a long time – and wanted to come back with a bang of sad tidings. Again, not to bum my readers out. Just to express and acknowledge how lucky I fucking am.
I won’t go into details about his death because that’s even sadder than his death itself. Let’s just say he’s in a better spot, pain-free and at peace. He suffered from several ailments including Type 1 Diabetes and Addison’s disease. He had been in and out of hospitals for several months and almost died back in December. As a couple, we had been through a lot. As a lady, I was in over my head. Again. I didn’t realize how sick he was until my heart got involved – and once it was involved – I couldn’t just turn around and walk away. Sickness and health took on a whole new meaning – and I wasn’t even married to this guy. A lot of my friends wondered – out loud – why I even bothered. I guess when you dig who you dig you become willing to overlook a lot of things. As women, we taught to take care of everyone around us excluding ourselves. Maybe I was living up to that notion. Swallowing what was shoved down my throat since an early age.
Moving through guilt isn’t easy. Think of squirming through quicksand with a ball and chain. Think of a hand that whacks you in the face when you least expect it. I was watching a movie the other night, ironically to get my mind off things when I was hit with a tidal wave of emotion – you can’t predict it or hear it coming. It just arrives whether you want it or not and there’s nothing left to do but deal with it.
That being said, why not laugh when you really want to cry – which I have – a lot. I’m not going to lie, losing someone, unexpectedly, changes your heart – for the best. I know. Sounds bat-shit-CRA. My heart is so heavy, hearty and strong. If it were out of my chest it would weight as much as a 1,000 pound tire those crazy personal trainers make you drag up a hill at 5am. My heart has expanded and can hold a lot of space – for a lot of people. It can feel compassion and emphasize better than it ever has before. It understands. It gets it, girl. My heart is humbled and has eaten it Wheaties. It’s ready for another round of love. Not too soon but certainly again. Truly what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. That is the gift I am left with. It is the gift that Zach has made me – in this life – and in lifetimes to come – where I hope we’ll get to spend a lot longer than 8 months together.
If you have an aversion to lame-couple-inside-jokes, you may not want to click the link below. For those of us who are as cheesy as cheese balls, this song makes me think of Zach and what our brief moment in time was all about – spiritually-speaking. The craziest part of this whole experience is my exposure to the great unknowing. You just never know when a person will enter or exit – all you can do is keep the door open.