The Laws of Attraction are CRA!

….In All The Wrong Places.

I poke a lot of fun at men with large penises and having sex with the well endowed. The truth is – as far as I can throw it – I’m not much of a Ladies Man. In fact, I’m quite awkward when it comes to meeting, greeting and keeping a man. That’s why I started this blog. To vent my frustrations, meet a man trick or two and play old SNL skits of Eddie Murphy.

Ladies that can marry two, three or 4 times astound me. So do the gals who receive multiple proposals. I don’t know what they’ve got – what spell they weave – how they seem to naturally possess an ease and ability to man-handle their way to the altar. I’m not saying I’d like to be married – just committed to something other than gum-chewing, Yoga and well….my freedom. Oh no. I’ve grown old and stuck in my ways. Between my age and tattoos, life as I know it is over. There’s not a man alive who will have me. I just shot a pity arrow straight into Cupid’s backside. Again, let me crack a can of truth juice and pour some straight-shoot on the rocks. I wouldn’t know what to do with a permanent penis if it landed on my doorstep – except maybe cook it a grilled cheese sandwich and send it on its way.

Have you ever read books like The Rules which tell you how to get a man – and what you’re doing wrong not to keep one? I cringe though those things. Each page is just one consistent reinforcement about how inadequate I am as a woman. Of course, anyone these days can compose a DIY piece of poop how-to prose. Doesn’t mean it’s going to work. I studied those Rules and followed them. No ring on this finger. Why? Because I forgot the most important rule of all: being true to myself. I was too busy being the perfect lady that I didn’t notice that my Vegas act was fake. Now, a man does love him some fake especially when they come in size D – but no man – in my opinion, is going to love a lady who doesn’t know herself – at least a man I want to marry. Needy men love needy women and hey! good for them: Happy Co-dependency to you both!

More and more people think that marriage is irrelevant in todays’s society. Recently I had a discussion about marriage with another unmarried friend of mine. Both of us have friends who got married in their 20’s and are now in the throws of divorce. Some of those same couples have kids – who at any age don’t want to see the marriage between their parents end. We realized how lucky we are. After all, all I have to be responsible for is myself and a 9 pound dog named Munchkin.

If folks like Snooki can breed, and you’re alone, then what the hell is wrong with you? Nothing! We can’t go by the timeline society dictates. If you’re older than dirt and unmarried that doesn’t mean you’re a lost cause. There are plenty of people out there with the same feelings of loneliness and hope in their heart – it’s all about connecting the dots – and with the internet there’s more dots to connect then ever before. Hell, I’m still waiting for my dot to arrive – and when he does – it will be the right time. In the meantime, I’m enjoying my independence and my little dog. After all, I always meet the greatest guys when I stop looking. That’s one of those Rules, by the way. Here’s some more rules by the sassy of all sass, Taren Guy who will give you the breakdown of the book and then some:

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