Well I did it. I signed up for an official Sugar Daddy website. What a crock of can-whip this is. You must read the Sugar Daddy blog, which is filled to rim with brim details about “The 5 Stages of Sugar“and “The Sugar Baby Diet” which if you’re curious consists of the following advice:
We are not talking about chocolate cake. Swap your sorbet or strawberry shortcake for pure chocolate with at least 50% cacao. A cup of sorbet is about 250 cal versus an ounce of dark chocolate which is about 150. It’s actually proven to help whittle your waist!
Because GOD FORBID that waist line inches above a size 3 – that’s when Daddy cuts off all his cheese and you have to GOD FORBID get a real job. I know. BLAH-BLAH-BLAH, Lady Tiger. Why don’t you quit all YOUR feminist hee-hawing and go and get a real job. Well I’ll have you know I had 2 interviews today and none of them had to do with whipping daddy’s bottom line.
Speaking of whips, this sugar daddy website is hosting a sugar baby benefit in LA called “50 Shades of LA..” Wait for it…
That’s a real baby ripping up a check that was co-signed by your dignity. Girl, I don’t know about this. I see visions of Eyes Wide Shut and a whole lot of chlamydia going on (side-song: if you’re happy and you know it start to clap – if you’re happy and you know it start to clap – if you’re itchy and you know then you’re crotch will surely show it – you’re sugar-baby’s gone and caught the clap). Hit it creepy lady.
Apparently they’re throwing these parties all over the globe. There’s even a pain room so people in pain caves can mingle in comfort and sadomasochistic glory. Can you dig it. I don’t think I can. For starters, if I wanted to ride a bull with a ball in his mouth, I just go and date a Taurus.
Sadly, Taurus men and sugary sweets are on my MA-NA-NA list. Dag. My sugar baby profile ain’t going to cut any of Daddy’s Warbucks if I have to dress up in leather and spank a bitch. If the requirement is skin-tight-corst attire, I want a deposit. Let’s start treating this arrangement like a car loan. Put some money down and you can drive away in a brand new Lady Tiger.
So far, no takers. If I watched a lot of porn, I could properly find the right profile headline to make it work: Shove it in me Daddy! does have a more inviting ring to it than Likes Yoga and Looking For Fun! Yeah. Good luck with that one, kid. I’m sure every pee-paw this side of the mason-small-dickie will be lining up with checks in their pudding-spattered hands. You can yank on
granddaddy’s catheter during a 50 Shades Of Can’t Hear a Word You Say or 50 Shades of an Early-Bird-Matinee event that they’ll inevitable drag you too. After all, someone’s got to push the wheelchair.
WARNING: If you are underage, naive or stupid: DO NOT GO TO THIS PARTY. Trust me. Shit will go down and you’ll wake up in the morning with herpes. Meet your Daddy in a public place with a can of mace because you never know. That’s my SD-motto.