Life As A Lady Pirate: Grand Canyon

Life as a Lady Pirate is a new addition to Lady Tiger. I will follow myself across the Southwest and beyond – and document each excursion on my blog. I’m from New England and have never lived in these parts before. So this is a new and exciting experience – and since I’m miles away from an ocean and Cuba, I must find other lands to pirate, explore and conquer.

I visited the Grand Canyon yesterday because that’s what people do in Arizona. This wasn’t my first time at the Canyon and it certainly won’t be my last. It was a more than spiritual experience. It was a big-ass hole with a big-ass message from Mother Nature: I’m bigger than all of you, bitches. I know this and so do the Native Americans. I’m convinced they tuck away their reservations from the rest of the world because when the shit goes down and Mother Nature wakes up to reclaim her vengeance on the lands, they’ll be standing on the winning sidelines:

The strangest part of visiting the canyon is perspective. If you turn your head to one side, you see trees, dirt, parked cars and tourists. If you turn your head to the other side, you see this:

For a moment I had a flashback that I was at JCPenny’s and about to get my picture taken. Since I was extra good that day, and didn’t smear any food on the walls, my parent’s splurged on a more majestic backdrop than waterfalls and laser beams. Unfortunately, I did not dress in proper picture-taking attire – figuring I would do more hiking than posing. What I neglected to take in account was the high elevation. I was wiped out and gasping for breath walking up a flight of steps to the gift shop. I tip my hat off to all the hikers of the world who can scale this mother of a hole. I can’t even scale to get a cup of coffee, let alone crawl out to a peninsula and wonder what would happen if I jumped:

By account, 53 people have accidentally fallen to their deaths from the rims between 1925-2005. According to Wikipedia: About 600 deaths have occurred in the Grand Canyon since the 1870s. Of the fatalities, 53 have resulted from falls; 65 deaths were attributable to environmental causes, including heat stroke, cardiac arrest, dehydration, and hypothermia; 7 were caught in flash floods; 79 were drowned in the Colorado River; 242 perished in airplane and helicopter crashes; 25 died in freak errors and accidents, including lightning strikes and rock falls; 48 committed suicide; and 23 were the victims of homicides.

I was under the impression the number was much higher than that. Apparently there’s a low-mafia population in these parts. If the Grand Canyon was in New York people would be tossed off that thing left and right. Bad debts: over the edge; Sleep with the fishes: over the edge; refuse the offer; over the edge. Forget feeding your enemies to lions. This is a much better way to go. Although I wouldn’t want to commit suicide there. With the canyon being over 6,000 feet deep, that gives me too much time on the way down to regret my decision.

Now would be the time to push.

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