Lady Tiger Rules of Engagement: Sucking it up

No one wants to admit their wrong or that their behavior caused another to suffer. Lately that’s exactly what I’ve been looking at. I’m a fixer – and a quick one at that. I want everything to be okay – immediately. I have no patience, tolerance or waiting-room time. Let’s open the wound and sew it shut. Wrap it up. Move on.

People don’t work that way. When a hurt has been caused or a wound created, it’s really up to the universe to dictate its own ebb and flow. What we need to do as humans is shut up and let it happen. That’s right, lean back and practice acceptance. Talk less, listen more. Easier said then done.

I’m a self-satisfacting-instant-gratification junkie because I am a junkie. A reformed junkie trying to live the straight and straight. Let me tell what its like to not remember all the terrible things you said to someone you love: have you ever had to slam on the brakes of your car at 60mph? Ever had groceries in the back of the car come flying to hit you at warp-speed in the face?  Yeah, it feels like that only worse. Groceries are objects that can be eaten – friendships are like treasures you lose if you’re not careful.

I recently lost a good friend because of my behavior during my drug years. Nothing puts a pit in my stomach more than the loss of a good friend. I realized half-way through her email that there was going to be no quick-fix to this situation. I had to sit with it and own the fact that I had really fucked-the-hell-up.

What I’ve noticed, studying my own crazy psychology is that people in general hate to admit when they are wrong. We’d rather argue our points to get our way because being right is the most important thing, right?

Problem with this “solution” is that its not a solution – its a stuck-in-the-mud-scenerio. If you stop listening, you stop growing, if you stop growing, you stay stuck. Awareness and truth are divine gifts even if they arrive in thorny-the-truth-hurts-kid-packages. After all, how do you know a stove is hot unless you touch it? How do you know how your behavior affects another unless they tell you their truth and you open your ears and listen.

Too often people react to protect themselves. This causes more of a build up to very bad things: emotional over-explosions. Tit-for-tat discussions are the same as the stay-stuck-scenerio I mentioned before. There’s only stagnant, stinky water in fighting your way to right. Taking a hard look at your personal wrongs leads one to sanity – even if its painful. Pain after all is a catalyst for growth.

I have to suck up and take responsibility for my selfishness, self-centeredness and overall rotten attitude. I have to realize that the reality I’m living with was MARGINALLY different than what was really going on. These are the lumps us junkies have to swallow. For better or worse, I’m thankful for the lesson.

I just want to take the time to wish all of you on  the East coast a safe Hurricane. I hope you guys pull through! You are in my thoughts.

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