Penis: A Love Story

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Friends, I’ve recently discovered that although he was alive in my lifetime – I must have been James Brown in another lifetime because I’m dealing with some heavy karmic payback when it comes to relationships and men. Recently a man, who I only had one in-face encounter with found my profile on Facebook and messaged me. I thought that was sweet – and sent him a reply. We went back and forth for over a year – trying to meet in person – and then failing miserably to do so. Two days ago, after a lengthy correspondence, he sends me a note saying he’s thinking of me. How sweet, was my thought until I looked down at my phone and saw a picture of his penis.

What.

Look it. Guys. I don’t know what GQ article in genital IQ came out saying this was okay. How to win a woman in 50 texts or less does not include sending someone a picture of your dick. You’re lucky I’m just a hustler and not a shady-lady.com. If I didn’t know any better, your FB profile tells me where you work and blackmailing your ass for a couple grand looks mighty tempting when currently making less than a migrant-worker wage. I’m not totally trying to give anyone ideas, here. I’m trying to save you all from a bunch of heavy embarrassment. You’ll thank me someday.

Send flowers instead.

Perhaps I’m prude. Slopping nude photos across the world wide web has become akin to vacation pictures. We’re all doing it (and photographing it). I’m not innocent in my naked ventures however, sharing intimacy usually comes with being intimate first. Mr. Penis and I haven’t even met. This means his act of affection borders on CRA*and CREE**. Ladies, take care of your vaginas – don’t let any man use yours against you. If you photograph your kitten, do it privately and with no face showing. This way if they come back to haunt you – you can gently say, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Kick up some shade and get your blank-stare on. What vagina? That’s not mine. You’re obviously just obsessed with me. What makes you think I would send you a picture of my vagina? That’s my roommates. Whatever it takes to keep your integrity intact.

For those of you making money off your kitten on the WWW dot. Word to the hustle. I give you props because I’m the type of lady who likes to put a black shade on the face of my man and have sex with the curtains drawn, lights off and a lightweight cotton bag over my head. Not being able to see what I’m doing makes it easier to try new positions, thankyouverymuch.

As for Mr. Penis, he hasn’t contacted me since I told him not to. I love men that can read texts and take hints.

Cheers.

*Crazy with a side of CRA-CRA

**Super Creepy

And now, for some wreck-house realness:

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